Adventures on airplanes – The honeymooners and the aunts that would not dance

You get on a flight and take your seat. The seats next to you are empty. You are hopeful but you know that you are not going to be lucky enough to have them both empty – you weren’t all that nice at the check-in counter. You sit there and look at people boarding. You look at their eyes as they scan seat numbers; that is the fastest way to know who is going to sit next to you. You realize how judgmental you are. Your preferences in people show up very vividly. Let it be a woman but not two women with a baby each. Please please don’t let it be someone with a weak bladder – not when you have the aisle seat.

I sat there looking and wondering and then a pair of lovebirds showed up. You know the sickly sweet types that touch and kiss each other at every opportunity. I saw their eyes scan and stop just above me. I evaluated them and scanned through my priority list. I had heard honeymooner horror stories from my Thai friends – they encountered many on their flight back to Thailand. But I had also one sat through the beginnings of a ménage à trois in a train once so these two seemed manageable.

They held hands and giggled a lot. They sneaked a kiss and when they finally fell asleep they were all cuddled up with each other. My only gripe was they incessant needs to go to the restroom with each other – many many times. Anyways, the long flight gave them ample time to rest and then they started to discuss the wedding.

“Seems everyone was tired after the wedding,” he said.

“Yes, they had fun, the women danced a lot too,” she said.

“Yes, why did you have the dance? Is it a tradition on your side,” he said.

“It is a tradition. All the women dance. All did dance except your aunts ,” she said slightly accusingly.

 “Yes, my aunts did not dance,” he said warily.

“Why? Did you not ask them? Or they did not want to?” she said.

At this point they were still holding hands. Not the loving holding hands but not letting go as they did not want to be the first to let go.

“It is ok if they did not dance, did you mind that?” he said defensively

“I don’t care, why should I mind if they danced or not”. Her voice was shrill.

I could see him wishing that the aunts had just gotten their act together and shook their hips a little. I could see her loosen her grip on his hand. I could see that they were learning to be married.

Adventures on airplanes - But that is my baggage bin.

I met a first timer on a flight today. Rare to see people taking a flight for the first time. He had boarded just behind me and showed up at his seat to find someone else putting their baggage in the overhead compartment. He checked his seat number, looked at the way more experienced man who had sneaked something to the tune of five carry-ons of all shapes and sizes. The man was stuffing them in the baggage bin above seat 30.

"This is for seat 30" blurted the poor newbie.

With an exasperated look of someone who has been through this before he said - "It does not work like that, you put your luggage where you find space".

Newbie was taken aback but he must have had a talk in the mirror earlier in the day. One of those talks to pump yourself about an upcoming event- where you decide you will not be taken advantage of; you will not be a newbie.

"But it says seat 30 here" He pointed to the number below the bin.

"But it does not work that way, you find a spot and you take it" repeated the bin grabber taking off his huge jacket and shoving that into the bin too before walking away.

I saw newbie looking lost, and then he found a spot for his carefully measured and weighed airline recommended hand luggage. I saw a look of fear as he thought someone else was sitting in his seat. I saw the look of relief as the confusion was sorted and he sat into the exact seat printed on his ticket. As he had his back toward me I could no longer see his face but I could imagine him taking mental notes. He'd be further ahead in the boarding line, he'd never relinquish his bin again ever, and maybe he'd even bring in some more carry-ons. I am sure flying was not as dignified and civilized as he had imagined.

Sadly this was a long long 15 hour flight. I saw his face again as we were leaving the plane. Yes, flying was not as dignified and civilized as he had imagined.

Haircut and a story about love

Vinu was missing from work for over three weeks. When I ran into him  I jokingly chided him for being away for so long. "My uncle passed away", he said. That shut me up good and without further drama I booked my hair cut appointment.

"Dooor kay uncle thay" (The uncle that passed away was a very distant relative) - I was told with little remorse as he shampooed my hair. "I was only there for few days then I went to Ahmedabad. A friend of mine opened a new salon in a mall. I went to help him and he wants me to work there. He'll pay more than here and work is good too."

"So why don't you go for it." I asked.

"My parents wont let me - they have said not till I get married. This place looks better on my marriage bio data. "

This reminded me of the time at Microsoft when a bride was being looked for for a program manager friend of mine - @microsoft.com is a very valuable address he told me and having 'manager' in your title helps too. I mean a year out of grad school and manager already and that too at Microsoft. That was your weight in gold in the Indian marriage market.

Back to Vinu- he told me how much he wants the job in Ahmedhabad- how his whole family (four older siblings, their spouses and his parents) were working hard on finding a girl. They have seen two already but they were not good enough. It seems two van full of people went to see the second one - his parents, siblings, spouses and kids of siblings. She had looked promising on paper but was short in person. Literally not tall enough to be a suitable bride for him.

"It will take a long time at this rate" I said. "Especially if the girl has to be approved by at least ten people.:

 "Yes" he said "but I don't mind."

Then he confided in me - "There is a problem, like a love problem. I like this girl but she is from the Northeast of India. She is Christian. I am Hindu and if we have to get married I have to change my religion. I don't want to besides my family will kill me"

That was a tough one. "Where is she now?" I asked. "
"In Udaipur. We worked together"

 Must be the reason behind the fried hair incident I thought.

" I don't know what to do, I don't want to change my religion and my parents will kill me." He continued.

"Aren't they looking for a girl for you ?" I exclaimed.

 Unfazed  he said "Oh, first they have to all agree on her, then her family will see me, then we will see each other, then there will an engagement, that is a long long time away. I wish I could just take the Ahmedabad job"

"Job? Don't you have a bigger issue to solve?"

"Yes, but Ahmedabad is just four hours from Udaipur." He said with a smile.

Now , the three weeks away made more sense. If they are anything to go by then I foresee a Christian wedding in the future where Vinu is repeatedly slapped by the ten elders in the family as he walks to the altar.

A haircut and a story

'Mein harami bachoo ka bal katnay mein expert hu' - I am an expert in cutting the hair of naughty little bastards- Vinu told me. "My dad used to tell me to round and chop of the hair of any and every kid in the village. Some were really harimi and I literally had to hold them down and cut their hair with one hand. They weren't the hard ones though  the little babies were. The ones whose head you have to shave at six months. Blue veins show below the scalp. One wrong swipe and....."

This sounded amusing and really out of place in the salon of a five star  hotel. It had taken a few visits before Vinu  had talked to me and quite a few more before he had enough to say that his limited English - how would you like me to cut your hair - ran out and he rambled in Hindi. And ramble he did with all the stories he had to tell.

Growing up in a little town near in Delhi he is the youngest of five - that means if you do something wrong you get six slaps he says. He has been cutting hair since he can remember, practicing on all the village kids from what I can tell.

Paying a 15000 training fee he trained officially and got a hair cutting certificate and through times and tribulations became a senior haircutter at a reputed five star hotel's salon.

'Cutting women hair is hard, harder then men. Women are fussy and have very short temper' Vinu then proceeded to tell me about the 'angry' women - the spoilt madams who just liked to shout, and the muslim ladies in burkhas that he promised not to look at the face of while cutting their hair.
Then about about the woman's whose hair he fried by leaving chemicals on it too long. Seems he went for lunch then on the way back started flirting with the girls who work at the spa.  "I was young and stupid " he justified.

Well, he was and from what I hear she went beserk and broke the reception's computer. His manager asked him to leave the building - there are scissors around and we are not sure what she will do was his reasoning. Vinu left but he said she returned- angry but placated slowly as he worked and gave her a good short hair cut.

"She had to return" Vinu said.  Seems her  little son was a hair cutter's nightmare and as Vinu put it - even the little bastards need a hair cut.

Siri likes us Indians

We were at the iphone store today. We means me dragged in there by a very excited Peeyush.

"Do you have an iphone 4S ?" he asked as soon we made it through the door.
"None for sale but there is one on display if you want to play around" The very helpful iGenius replied.
"It is unlocked ?" asked my excited husband. Irrational ask as there were none for sale but I guess in his head he was ready to grab the display model and run if it were unlocked.

The next few minutes were spent watching him lovingly fondle the phone and then Siri came to life. iGenius and iLonging spoke together so the first few questions were not responded to as expected. The good sales man decided to stop talking and Peeyush had her for himself.

Peeyush: "Call my wife"
Siri: "What is your wife's name?"
Peeyush: "Mallika"
Siri: "Mallika. I don't have her listed in your contacts. Do you want me to search for businesses with that name?"

This had us laughing and making wife jokes. iGenius caught onto this and told us that 'she' could be really useful for useful things but also great for useless but fun things like tongue twisters.

Peeyush then went on to say "How much wood does a wood chuck chuck?"
The reply was prompt. Encouraged Peeyush asked the eternal question "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Peeyush was tickled and then iGenius did the wrong thing and told him that Siri would be available in the app store soon. 4S went back on the display stand and we shuffled off to find hot coffee.

Peeyush was very impressed by Siri. "She was funny", he said. I had not been that impressed and did not know if I was jealous - the sales guy and now Peeyush were all - she is so good, she is so funny and as a female 'she' always draws some attention. Then Peeyush said something that was impressive indeed. "She understood my accent"

Yes, Siri was cool with Indians. You did not have to twist words to make her understand you. She is gooooood.

The chicken crossed the road to get to the other side.... in case you were wondering what she said.

Memories of Childhood – Ashvin cuts his hair

When I was six years old I had given someone a hair cut. The "someone" happened to be my best friend’s four year old brother. I had him sit on the stairs and gave him a comprehensive hair cut. Not a snip here or there. I made sure I took the scissors all over and all around. The results I guess was a disaster especially as it required my mother to apologize and a barber was immediately called over. He looked like he had his head shaved after the ‘real’ hair cut and I was banned from EVER touching scissors.

Yesterday, my four year old was watching Lion King. I took a bath and on walking back into the room saw three clumps of hair on the floor. He was sitting at the edge of the bed and there was more hair near his feet. He was still watching Lion King but in his hand were a pair of small scissors. I know worse could have happened – lot worse happens with scissors – and I am luckier than my mom, I did not have to take him home to his mom.

Circle of Life I guess J

Oye, you are not a foreigner?

1. I asked for a guide and autowalla in English. They talked among themselves in Hindi sure that I was a foreigner. The discussion was about how much to overcharge me. When asked about the fare I said - "Teen sau chalayga?" (Will 300 do?). Surprised and realizing I had understood the whole discussion I got away with Rs 350, unlike a Spanish guy who paid Rs750.

2. My autowalla knew I knew Hindi but was not sure how well I spoke it. Unexpectedly just before we reached the Queens palace he switched to Hindi "Lets talk a little in Hindi", he said. His Hindi was bad, worse than mine for sure but we went back and forth about the palace a little. "Good" he said in English. "Now madam when you go to buy a ticket, talk in Hindi. It will cost you Rs 10. If you talk in English you pay Rs 250"
Look foreign, talk foreign then you pay foreign :)

3. A crowd of young men were posing for photos. One walked over and asked me - "Ma'am, photo please." "Ok" I said, holding out my hand for the camera. I mean they wanted a group photo right? "No, ma'am. You take photo with us".
What???
This happened five times during the day."Don't take offence," the autowalla explained, "they have not seen foreigners before. You are a tourist attraction for them."
 I must say on refusing most walked away politely. I really did not want to be shown as the foreign 'Humpi girlfriend' in some village.

4. Walking through the Queen's bath - a 15th Century swimming pool - I was surrounded by children. I had been shaking hand with them all day (see point 3). Some had come voluntarily and some had been pushed along by their parents - "Shake hands, say Hello". Just then a really white woman - blond hair and all walked in. I was amused to see a crowd bigger than mine following her. And then some of mine deserted me too !!! ;)

5. At the end of the day I was sitting at the platform looking through photos of the day on my iphone. Suddenly I realized there were some five people peering and "wowing" at the photos. "Ipod hai" "Very nice shot" I heard it all. I was tempted to shoo them away. Then I gave in to my exhibitionist side - I mean there was ready audience that did not care that half my friends and their SLRs shot things way better than this. I showed them photos from Seattle, of Rainer and paragliding, of fireworks. They were amazed and I was amused for the five minutes before the train showed up and I was not such a foreigner anymore.

For details on the trip read - 32 hours Bangalore to Hampi and back