Saturday, October 8, 2011

I love my body

I was working out the hotel gym today. After a long time I was on a treadmill with a mirrored wall in front of me. The gym was empty and I started my run. I want to run but I suck at it. That does not stop me from trying. Some fifteen minutes into my run I wanted to give up and was mad at myself. Mad at wanting to give up. Mad at not being able to run faster. Mad at not being able to run longer. Mad at my stupid legs and my stupid lungs. Then I looked up and saw my face in the mirror.

It is rather funny to be cussing at yourself while you are all sweaty, running and  listening to Pitbull in an empty hotel gym. Try it. I was smiling before I knew it. And as I looked at myself there – all sweaty and running and trying and wanting to do something I was lousy at - I just loved myself.

I had felt this love before – during a really hard acclimatization walk during my Everest Base Camp trip. It was my first high altitude trek and hardest uphill walk I had ever done. I had some bad menstrual cramps that day but somehow crawled my way to the top. Up there I was ecstatic. I loved my legs and thighs and lungs and every freaking thing about my body. I remember saying that to myself again and again (as I could not explain my sudden love for my thighs to the guys there) – I just loved my body.

Being a fat child leaves its share of mental turmoil way into adulthood. I had wanted to be thin for the longest time and mentally criticizing a lot of things about my body had become a part of life. Somewhere along the way I got some sense kicked into me and I focus way more on being healthy and strong now. Every now and then though the little disparaging voice gets a little strength. Today I am glad there was a mirror – a real literal mirror – to give me a reality check and remind me what amazing stuff this body is made of.


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